corriendo salvaje

i was a sprinter and high jumper during my school days in track and field.

i hated training...running behind the coaches car felt like torture.

it wasn't until my early twenties  that i got back into running.

i have always been an athlete and at the time i was an avid

climber, backpacker,swimmer and pretty obsessed with watching and reading about endurance races.

that is when running got a grip on me.

i decided i wanted to try my hand at a marathon, then a make my way

to triathlons. that was what i was most stoked about.

so i started running again. on my off days i was bouldering and climbing 2 plus hours a day.

i preferred the latter as long distance running was brutal for me.

as i do everything, i jumped into training fully and was feeling the burn.

then i crushed my ankle in a bouldering mishap.

just like that everything that was, was no longer.

it was a devastating injury. it occurred at the beginning of the summer.

suddenly this once super active gal was stuck on my ass.

the injury was severe and permanent. i was in a hard cast 

3 months and a walking cast another 3. followed by physical therapy.

unfortunately some natural fusion occurred and i lost almost all of my ankle mobility.

i endured intense chronic pain for 2 years. i couldn't walk a half a mile

without significant swelling and unbearable pain.

i sunk into a depression.

no more backpacking, no more running and i couldn't imagine climbing again.

i saw specialist after specialist and was always told the same news...

"there is nothing that can be done. this is permanent and will only continue to worsen.

you will suffer arthritis and the threat of your talus dying is high requiring a full ankle fusion."

being active was my identity, who was i if i wasn't "this" anymore.

 i had to go inward and discover more about myself.

i became very proactive with my diet, eating as healthy as i could.

i became proactive with my mind, devouring as much wisdom as i could contain

and redefining myself and discovering all of me.

in this time i realized how determined and strong i am

but i also realized how powerful our bodies are.

the self healing capabilities are vast and i couldn't take the word of doctors who

 didn't know my mind and body.

so i decided there would be no more "cannots" and more "yes i cans"

this is when i got into cycling and swimming even more. 

i also started working on building up the stabilizing muscles in my ankle

to support the parts of the ankle that no longer worked.

i swam laps and took spin classes avidly.

my body began to thrive as well as my spirit.

i iced my ankle after workouts, took supplements and ate

foods that had anti-inflammatory properties.

the chronic pain began to fade and i began to feel strong.

when my body is strong it directly affects how fearless i become.

when i started landscaping and gardening i started growing all sorts of new muscles

and forms of "toughness".

i even went bouldering again. 

this was mentally challenging for me and i haven't fully entered

climbing again, but i plan to.

this past year i went through a significant loss.

i felt anxiety constantly and had an ache i could not rid.

i didn't know how to cope. 

so i journaled, meditated and studied the Tao.

but my body needed a form of processing.

my body screamed to run.

something i thought i would never do again.

but i strapped on my running shoes, put ear phones in

and started to run.

i couldn't run far at first but i was surprised i could run at all.

no pain, no swelling...a funny gait maybe but i was running.

i cried while i ran, i sang, i smiled.

i ran through rain, through snow (which was magical)

i ran after 9 hour of labor at work.

i ran at night under street lights.

i ran until the ache went away and i could sleep through the night.

i did a 5K and set my sights on my first endurance race.

my body felt alive and looked great.

running saved me.

i didn't get to do that endurace race because i got really sick

and found out i was pregnant.

i haven't really been able to run in five months because of how 

sick i have been but i think about it every day.

i am a runner.

it is my blood.

i will run again.

i plant to try some pregnant running.

i still have my muscular legs and body from running and i think i my 

body will bounce back faster after baby.

never listen to the can'ts.

our bodies are powerful self healing machines

and so are our hearts.

momentum

some amazing things are beginning to stir.

visions, thoughts, dreams and words are manifesting.

this weekend vision boards are being made 

and daily meditations creating momentum occurring.

it feels so good to have energy again and not be sick all day long.

we have been hiking and walking more and more.

yesterday we chased the little one on her bike for two miles.

this mama was worn out and happy.

this upcoming week i am starting a new regimine.

2 mile hike or jog twice a week

and thrice a week spinning and weights.

being fit while pregnant makes it more comfortable,

supports an easier labor and getting back into shape afterward.

i am setting the goal of an endurace race that occurs five and half months

after baby- so i want to keep some endurance up.

we are going camping and backpacking in September too, so i need to 

regain some muscles.

inbetween all the exciting goals and daily goodness

i have been letting some stress and negativity seep in.

this is all a part of the process of pregnancy.

 the wonderful ina may gaskin talks about how during these 9 months

hurts and issues we have submerged over time began to surface.

its an opportunity to make peace before this life enters my life.

she goes on to say that if one doesn't deal with what emerges it can 

create a more painful and difficult labor.

i am being thoughtful about what surfaces.

i allow it to sit with me. allow myself to feel angry, hurt, betrayed

or whatever emotion accompanies it

and then i try to make peace with it.

i am realizing that in some cases i need to just eliminate my exposure

to certain people and things in order to forge ahead into a peaceful

positive life.

exciting dreams beginning to make their way into reality:

 - the dream to travel over a summer with my little ones in a souped up van

and sell art and wares.

Z does custom furniture building from fallen trees and other found natural materials.

his work is unbelievable. he apprenticed under this father who ran a sawmill.

he also does custom finishes to create rustic looks.

he has been offered the opportunity to work for someone who salvages wood from torn

down barns and old hotels and buildings from all over the world and uses them

for furniture and or remodels.

Z will be making custom tables and furniture with this wood.

we pinched ourselves realizing this aligns with our goal to travel with the girls 

to arts and craft festivals all over the US next summer.

him selling his custom work and me selling my paintings and art pieces.

i also will be pursuing my pottery more and hope to incorporate that as well.

- i am feeling re-inspired creatively. i took a hiatus, as i do every time i make a body of work

and let life simmer and marinate ideas. i am designing a new body of work that i am excited about.

- nali starts piano and spanish soon and is passionate about making music

and speaking a second language.

this is entirely of her own accord. she is such a special little girl who has

her own individual visions i am determined to support.

i believe this second language will come in handy as we plan 

to travel throughout mexico and south america in the near future.

at the young age of 6 she has already begun to create her own style of singing

that is, well, i am amazed and proud.

goals both big and small

- prenatal yoga 

- fitness goals mentioned above

- pottery class

- save for a van that we will convert to our summer home and to run on veggie oil

- new art series

- vision board this weekend

- support Z in his new business and creative endeavor

- begin chinese philosophy course
- begin establishing farm/homesteading gig to start in the spring

today

 

as deep as the ocean, high as the sky, more then all the sand on the beach

when happiness finds me

...when we break through the blockage of emotion thought, 

then we also begin to know who we are and what we are meant

to do in life.

What are we to do in life?

If we don't confuse ourselves too much with our false thinking,

we know.

When we turn away from our personal obsession with ourselves,

the answers become obvious.

But we don't do that easily,

because we're attached to our self-righteous thinking.

Occasionally, there are moments (sometimes hours, even days)

when, though we still have the same problems, it's OK.

...the flow is easy.

then if we're not careful the confusion begins to take over again.

And the clarity and power begin to fade.

...sometimes being willing to be muddled and confused is,

paradoxically the clarity itself.

Instead of trying to figure out the confusion and nervousness so we can arrive

somewhere else, we ask ourselves,

"what does confusion feel like?" 

and we settle back into the body and its sensations, 

keeping track of the thoughts that float around.

Before we know it we're back on track.

The worst thing we can do is try and be some other way.

...experience ourselves in how we are,

not the way we think we should be.

(Everyday Zen)

all happens as it should in the timing that it should.

i am always amazed that my thoughts are always able 

to find the pages retaining the words i need. 

just when i think i have everything figured out

confusion sets in and i spend my time trying to seek clarity

and straighten it all out.

i now realize i need to wade out into the muddy waters

observe and wait for the waters to clear.