turns out, change is good

i am so grateful for the peace that has filled my spirit.

it is something i have been longing for.

the last year has been so difficult and full of challenges

but also the opportunity to rediscover who i am, what i value and how strong i can be.

everyone is offered opportunities for growth during hardships

it is just a matter of perspective and the desire to evolve.
i read some of the journal entries written in the depths of despair almost a year ago.
one line i had written particularly caught my eye:
I cannot change any of this, I can only let it change me
and come out wiser, stronger and better equipped.
what a powerful observation made inside the darkness.

it just so happens

i was at a place in my life where i could see a 

history of negative patterns created by a lifetime of 

poor choice making and wounds that had created bad habits.

i wanted change and i didn't want to keep existing in this painful cycle.

through hard reflection, going inward, reading the Bible and the Tao,

journaling, being consistent with creating new habits and burying old ones, 

prayer and erecting boundaries.

i am proud to say i am in a place in my life that is far away 

from the "hamster wheel" i was on.

i feel strong

confident

content

at peace

sure of who i am

 and what i want

 and i feel

::blessed::

change, it turns out, is a good thing.

in keeping with the spirit of change i will be

documenting and reflecting at a new place.

so much is happening that i want to remember 

but i also want to be present and reflect

blogging is a tremendous tool for me to accomplish this.

stay tuned for the link to my new home.

be blessed today by choosing your thoughts, words, and actions

carefully.

envision the life you desire

speak words of life

do one thing today that reminds you of the miraculous life you have been gifted

and most important 

::be present::

twenty four

time is passing swiftly on the calendar

and sometimes slowly on a day to day basis.

it usually goes that way when one is so excited for a circled date.

 just a few months until this new life enters our world.

this life that will change ours forever

change mine forever

my heart is so full of love.

as i sit rocking in the chair we just purchased for baby
 its easy to imagine holding her in my arms.

my little girl is excited to meet her sister 

her only stipulation is that she still remains the baby

 this should be an easy condition to meet.

she will always be my little baby.

 being a mom is 

::the greatest::

gift of my life.

i can feel myself slowing down some,

not that i have had much energy in this pregnancy.

 i have been forced to be still.

aside from struggling through nausea, fatigue, 

heartburn, shortness of breath and an overall diversion to food

i have mentioned many times here my struggle with surfacing emotions.

i miss my dad terribly and have felt his presence strongly in these months

but i also miss my family. my mom and my sister.

i will never go into these relationships in this forum i will just

say that they are not in my life and it is a void in my life.

but 

as i get closer to the end i am beginning

to feel this serene peace wash over me.

i have dealt with the wounds and allowed them to be exposed to 

the air and sun and heal on their own.

and they are.
now i can focus more on myself and this special time.
i have to rest and try and put on more weight
and let my sweet Z and little girl pamper me.

so here i am 24 weeks and in a place 

i couldn't have imagined a year ago

but so thankful for the journey and where it has led me

and who i have become through it.

i am a

::warrior::

::thoughts::

i have been quiet

still

tired

surrendering to this time i am not able to do what i use to be able to

surrendering to this changing body full of aches and pains

growing belly full of kicks and punches

sleepy eyes full of dreams and hopes

letting my partner take care of me as he so wonderfully does

so thankful that he loves to take care of me.

this journey has been challenging.

as the baby grows more and more floats to the surface 

and i am at times sad, mad, or hurt.

these emotions are overwhelming at times

but when i acknowledge them, search for their root

and gently pull them out

i become lighter then i was 

letting go and forgiveness 

are the tonic for these wounds.

recently i made the decision to contact someone and share my heart.

my intention was not revenge, not to hurt, not even for them

it was for me to release some pain and take a stand for myself.

to feel strong once again.

their response didn't matter although i will say

it helped to see that i am in a much higher state 

and a much better place.

i don't say this with ego, i say this as someone who has journeyed 

a long ways to get to this place.

it was such a moment of healing for me.

to see how far i have come, to see how much love i have

and to see that the other parties have nothing i desire.

 i am writing this because it truly was a pivotal moment for me.

it allowed me to close this chapter in my life with joy

and most importantly peace.

i am able to offer this person whom i almost let destroy my life

::forgiveness::

and feel no animosity towards him or the people he has chosen in his life.

rather i feel relief

it is time to face forward and be present

something i struggle with and yearn for.

i find i am able to do this when i:

-journal

-pray

-create

-am in nature

-am connecting with my daughter

-am connecting with Z

Z has begun his new job and we are grateful.

this allows us more momentum to move forward with our dreams,

spend more time together as a family and prepare for our little papoose.

we have our eyes set towards the Pacific Northwest and have been planting seeds

out there that we hope will grow into opportunities.

there is a possibility of relocating to northern california

to work and live on a educational, sustainable resort.

if it is where we are suppose to go, i trust all will work out.

we plan to convert a van into a traveling mecca 

and travel with the girls out west 

(this is how i envision such things)

:)

the little one will start piano this week and dance the following week.

i think it will be nice to get out more and watch her blossom in all her passions.

we found a wonderful mid-wife and will be having a water birth.

we are dreaming up our playlist and want to be surrounded by candles

loved ones and beautiful energy.

Z is going to play his guitar through some of the labor process too.

i feel peace as we await just 3 1/2 short months.

we have been spending time outdoors playing and

as the weather continues its perfection, camping is on the horizon.

 (matching tats me and Z might get)

and weekly nature exploration with pollywog as autumn reveals 

itself in all her glory.
i am beginning to create again too.
someone asked for me to do a painting for them
and i am starting a handmade baby clothing line for etsy and local marts.

god is good
i am blessed
wounds heal and hearts can love again

::love::

sometimes love occurs as a slow

sweet

blossoming

a soft touch that warms your frozen skin

strength for you to lean on while you heal

steadiness as you find your footing once again

kindness that reminds you it is okay to trust again

grace that grows self confidence

respect that reminds one of their worth

a space to laugh again

a shoulder to lean on

someone you can be vulnerable with

and feel utter protection

a slow- quiet- steeping- love

 in the safety of one 

who

 loves 

you

::pictures::

feeling an awakening in my spirit