some words

"i could fucking die tomorrow...

fuck that

fuck you

fuck it all

i'm so pissed

not about the dying part, cause the point is it can happen
and that would be the canned laughter to this joke of a life...

hardy har har

grass greener there
grass green here
my damn grass is green, soft, roly poly nap grass
i love my field but i don't like your fence on it
er...or maybe it's not yours maybe it's mine
maybe i'm a time bomb
ticking
imagining fences and walls and gates
that are not there.
oh rules...i hate you
you and me have been butting heads since day one
i test you
and people cry.there is this polaroid that
i want to crawl into
when i look at it i can smell the room
hear the conversation
remember that feeling-
thatfreedomyoudidntknowuntilyoudidnthaveit
- i have spent the last fucking years
trying to lasso-
bucking bronco bucking me off
the more i resist
the more i get tossed...


man that's just it though -
i don't know
i
don't
know because the book hasn't been written yet.
the damn thing hasn't been written...
i keep forgetting that...
books, movies, songs, paintings
we've seen so many endings we forget we can write our own..
each and every day...
each and every day! get that- that is fucking amazing!"
my blue suitcase,
waiting patiently...
it's funny what you pack when you don't know
where you're going...
if you're going...

what if i leave
sit on the bed of a hotel room
watch television, drink a bottle of wine, eat my favorite food
cry hysterically, laugh hysterically, dance on the bed, braid my bangs, smile about what i wanna go do
make a list about what i wanna go do
wait

and realize

it was all me...
(cause you can't leave that behind)
  ~michelle

without a map

i got lost
how can i find my way?

can you see me over here
rainsoaked and i'm drowning
ground so soft, i'll go to sleep
try again tomorrow.
  ~michelle

duality...truality (beat box background buzz)

as i tramped through the grass
i was stopped by a bee
who buzzed up real close and spoke words to me-
at first i was scared, cause your s'pose to be
but i swallowed it down and it drew close to me

"Listen up lady,
i got something to say
it just might affect where your going today.
As far as you know
i just like to sting...
this is only a shtick
i got more that i bring. You see, back with my pals, i am known to be nice
funny and sweet, with a vice for the dice.
In the town next to here,
they'd have something to say
about when i visit
in my "own special way!"when i'm here -i am this
when i'm there- i am that
but mostly i live without a format
inside i'm the same
cause inside i am much
without walls to contain me
with rules and such."


i waved goodbye
careful, for the bee
who had taught me a lot about how to be free.
letting go of the ties
that so often bind me.
 ~michelle

choices are personal

"I know who I am,
and who I may be,
if I choose..."
~ Don Quixote

Revving

There are few people that I wholly admire.
However, there are a couple of folks who have stood out and set a bar I have spent my life reaching for.
They bear qualities that make my skin twist and contort and my stomach vibrate.
I consider the few, mentors of sorts.
Although individuality is something that I have championed since I burst out into this world...sometimes feeling so different can be scary...so reading about a person who carries the intensity for life you do, and exploring how they sprinkled that into growth throughout their life, is inspiring.
This book is my ALL time favorite book ever. Not because of its great literary style, but because in it, it describes a person that I know. While reading (several years ago), something was conceived inside of me. A jolt of appreciation and understanding.
A way of living that I will incorporate into my life, forever.... an intensity that I have always felt but didn't know how to use.
Mr. Unsoeld bared or at least aspired to the qualities that I, in my own personal ranking system, put at the top. They are my ladder of essential achievements.
- intensity: full on, 200% in every aspect of your life
- completion: what you start you finish, with high intensity and in your own creative way
- loyalty
- word: what I say I will do...I want to be counted on
- full on living: this is it...this one life...could be a life of many years, could be one of few so you damn well better live each day as full as you want it to be. Don't waste time on petty shit. On silly dramas...get up, get out, and most importantly BE PRESENT!
- individuality: be the best you- embrace the qualities you love the most in you...and work damn hard to evolve the ones you dislike. Let your freak flag fly but don't let it flap into someones face.
Quirky, eccentricities are the engines for change.
- no excuses: do it or don't...if you don't, get up and do it the next day.
- don't whine: man, if you don't like something then change it, but please don't sit around and whine about it.
- simplicity: whenever you can, go back to your simplest being. Eat what you find, lay under the stars, cook on a fire that you built, make things from your hands, feel your muscles work...test and challenge yourself so you can see what your made of.

When I feel my blood is getting soupy and lazy I know it's time to read this book again, and get my fist pump on...Get up, Get out and GO.....

phone #7

oh i would never
i wouldn't ever
no i would never tell-
secrets are part of, part of this soil
live in this soil now.

oh i'd be careful if i were you
sometimes the truth makes them not love you
say what they want -to- hear...
  ~michelle

some words

I walk the line

soaked in thoughts...
scattered candy wrappers, chocolate taste still on my tongue.
i watch the returning cardinal - skittish-
my feet feel quiet and still
i await the drying out of
clarity.

"what?" i ask reaching for my voice.
i sound so far away.
"sorry, yes i'm listening"
i am far away. i don't even know where i am.
"no, i'm just watching the birds at the feeder"
my fingers are white and cold. i run them through my hair.
it's been awhile since i've fixed it. since i've felt i needed to.
"i think i'll go lie down for awhile and read"

i know today is this. i know tomorrow it won't be this.
and i know that a time from now it will be this again.
it always is. this, then that, then this again.

always on this line
sometimes i can run on it so it blurs
sometimes my knees are shaky and i'm scared
sometimes i wanna get down on one side
but
its never the right time -or- the right place
-or- the right me.
i have a map though and if i am reading it right
there is a place on this line where i have to get off
 ~michelle