turns out, change is good

i am so grateful for the peace that has filled my spirit.

it is something i have been longing for.

the last year has been so difficult and full of challenges

but also the opportunity to rediscover who i am, what i value and how strong i can be.

everyone is offered opportunities for growth during hardships

it is just a matter of perspective and the desire to evolve.
i read some of the journal entries written in the depths of despair almost a year ago.
one line i had written particularly caught my eye:
I cannot change any of this, I can only let it change me
and come out wiser, stronger and better equipped.
what a powerful observation made inside the darkness.

it just so happens

i was at a place in my life where i could see a 

history of negative patterns created by a lifetime of 

poor choice making and wounds that had created bad habits.

i wanted change and i didn't want to keep existing in this painful cycle.

through hard reflection, going inward, reading the Bible and the Tao,

journaling, being consistent with creating new habits and burying old ones, 

prayer and erecting boundaries.

i am proud to say i am in a place in my life that is far away 

from the "hamster wheel" i was on.

i feel strong

confident

content

at peace

sure of who i am

 and what i want

 and i feel

::blessed::

change, it turns out, is a good thing.

in keeping with the spirit of change i will be

documenting and reflecting at a new place.

so much is happening that i want to remember 

but i also want to be present and reflect

blogging is a tremendous tool for me to accomplish this.

stay tuned for the link to my new home.

be blessed today by choosing your thoughts, words, and actions

carefully.

envision the life you desire

speak words of life

do one thing today that reminds you of the miraculous life you have been gifted

and most important 

::be present::

twenty four

time is passing swiftly on the calendar

and sometimes slowly on a day to day basis.

it usually goes that way when one is so excited for a circled date.

 just a few months until this new life enters our world.

this life that will change ours forever

change mine forever

my heart is so full of love.

as i sit rocking in the chair we just purchased for baby
 its easy to imagine holding her in my arms.

my little girl is excited to meet her sister 

her only stipulation is that she still remains the baby

 this should be an easy condition to meet.

she will always be my little baby.

 being a mom is 

::the greatest::

gift of my life.

i can feel myself slowing down some,

not that i have had much energy in this pregnancy.

 i have been forced to be still.

aside from struggling through nausea, fatigue, 

heartburn, shortness of breath and an overall diversion to food

i have mentioned many times here my struggle with surfacing emotions.

i miss my dad terribly and have felt his presence strongly in these months

but i also miss my family. my mom and my sister.

i will never go into these relationships in this forum i will just

say that they are not in my life and it is a void in my life.

but 

as i get closer to the end i am beginning

to feel this serene peace wash over me.

i have dealt with the wounds and allowed them to be exposed to 

the air and sun and heal on their own.

and they are.
now i can focus more on myself and this special time.
i have to rest and try and put on more weight
and let my sweet Z and little girl pamper me.

so here i am 24 weeks and in a place 

i couldn't have imagined a year ago

but so thankful for the journey and where it has led me

and who i have become through it.

i am a

::warrior::

::thoughts::

i have been quiet

still

tired

surrendering to this time i am not able to do what i use to be able to

surrendering to this changing body full of aches and pains

growing belly full of kicks and punches

sleepy eyes full of dreams and hopes

letting my partner take care of me as he so wonderfully does

so thankful that he loves to take care of me.

this journey has been challenging.

as the baby grows more and more floats to the surface 

and i am at times sad, mad, or hurt.

these emotions are overwhelming at times

but when i acknowledge them, search for their root

and gently pull them out

i become lighter then i was 

letting go and forgiveness 

are the tonic for these wounds.

recently i made the decision to contact someone and share my heart.

my intention was not revenge, not to hurt, not even for them

it was for me to release some pain and take a stand for myself.

to feel strong once again.

their response didn't matter although i will say

it helped to see that i am in a much higher state 

and a much better place.

i don't say this with ego, i say this as someone who has journeyed 

a long ways to get to this place.

it was such a moment of healing for me.

to see how far i have come, to see how much love i have

and to see that the other parties have nothing i desire.

 i am writing this because it truly was a pivotal moment for me.

it allowed me to close this chapter in my life with joy

and most importantly peace.

i am able to offer this person whom i almost let destroy my life

::forgiveness::

and feel no animosity towards him or the people he has chosen in his life.

rather i feel relief

it is time to face forward and be present

something i struggle with and yearn for.

i find i am able to do this when i:

-journal

-pray

-create

-am in nature

-am connecting with my daughter

-am connecting with Z

Z has begun his new job and we are grateful.

this allows us more momentum to move forward with our dreams,

spend more time together as a family and prepare for our little papoose.

we have our eyes set towards the Pacific Northwest and have been planting seeds

out there that we hope will grow into opportunities.

there is a possibility of relocating to northern california

to work and live on a educational, sustainable resort.

if it is where we are suppose to go, i trust all will work out.

we plan to convert a van into a traveling mecca 

and travel with the girls out west 

(this is how i envision such things)

:)

the little one will start piano this week and dance the following week.

i think it will be nice to get out more and watch her blossom in all her passions.

we found a wonderful mid-wife and will be having a water birth.

we are dreaming up our playlist and want to be surrounded by candles

loved ones and beautiful energy.

Z is going to play his guitar through some of the labor process too.

i feel peace as we await just 3 1/2 short months.

we have been spending time outdoors playing and

as the weather continues its perfection, camping is on the horizon.

 (matching tats me and Z might get)

and weekly nature exploration with pollywog as autumn reveals 

itself in all her glory.
i am beginning to create again too.
someone asked for me to do a painting for them
and i am starting a handmade baby clothing line for etsy and local marts.

god is good
i am blessed
wounds heal and hearts can love again

::love::

sometimes love occurs as a slow

sweet

blossoming

a soft touch that warms your frozen skin

strength for you to lean on while you heal

steadiness as you find your footing once again

kindness that reminds you it is okay to trust again

grace that grows self confidence

respect that reminds one of their worth

a space to laugh again

a shoulder to lean on

someone you can be vulnerable with

and feel utter protection

a slow- quiet- steeping- love

 in the safety of one 

who

 loves 

you

::pictures::

feeling an awakening in my spirit

the end of twenty second week

 

::gratitude::

feeling so much gratitude 

layered with an energy that is hard to explain.

have you ever felt momentum stirring in your life?

tune into it when you are truly focused on your intentions.

it is a swirl that uplifts you.

Z got the job! 

the one we were praying and hoping for.

one that allows him to re-enter his pursuit of creating with his hands, heart and mind.

he is a carpenter

an artist

now he will be doing carpentry

and this will propel him into a place where soon

he will be making his own creations.

we are so grateful.

this new job pays more and supports Z's spirit 

as well as our vision for the future.

change is occurring.

the past several months have been a quiet and still time.

a time for baby to grow

for my body to adapt to all the changes

for us to settle in together as a family

and set our intentions and goals for the future.

now it is time for more movement...

more application.

 as the energy is shifting i am re-arranging the home to fit where we are. 

more indoor plants

shear drapes

 more natural elements brought in

more words and images surrounding us

music from india, africa, and folk playing

candles and incense

baking and experimenting with dishes 

and we will be spending more and more time outdoors 

we crave this 

i crave this

(camping with friends, potlucks and bbq's)

and of course preparing for this new life to enter our lives.

days are passing quickly and love is swelling from our hearts.

i feel a peace inside

i am quiet

contemplative

walking in the woods and touching the earth is a must

reading and daydreaming about gardening, making soaps, yogurt,

breads, art projects, pottery

connect me to my spirit

i am singing more and learning guitar...

nali sings constantly and it inspires me.

i am in an inspired state of being

 

 (this image has for some reason makes me happy. Z says she looks like me...

i just connect to it...the red feather in the hair, the flowing top, the warrior "tattoos"

gonna start wearing feathers in my hair. through this pregnancy i felt my warrior spirit emerge.

i listen to the music of my people, the Iroquois Mohawks and my daughters name

will represent this. As soon as i am able i will be adding to my warrior tattoos!

Z is getting a buffalo in honor of our daughter and my heritage.)

 

 

 

 

 

in:spired

not sure if its pregnancy hormones

or just my typical daydreaming

but my mind is continuously filled

with thoughts of moving to the pacific northwest

to being close to the earth again

gardening and digging in the soil

a small farm house or cottage

chickens

wash on the line

outdoor cooking and eating

sunsets and rocking chairs

hikes and creeks 

cricket filled moon glow nights...

it fills my mind so much i find myself hardly present.

i truly believe in my heart that there is this special place 

for us.

today i was thinking about the islands off washington

on beautiful land and near the ocean.

::bliss::

some 

inspirations:

 longest acres

barnacle bags

foxslane

whole larder love

 

visions on board

Z and I have been soaking in our visions lately.

at night as we lie in bed we talk about our dreams.

i imagine them floating above our heads.

we write down goals, make plans

and find images aligned with our visions

and feel this excitement welling up in our bellys.

it is hard not to want it all to happen NOW

but the universe has a better way.

right now is the time for preparation.

to learn what we will need to know for the times ahead.

to grow our sweet baby.

to grow close as a family.

it all is happening as it should.

each day i am writing down my intentions

and tonight we are finally making our vision board.

it is so magical and new for me to have this life partner

that has the same endeavors as me and the skills and knowledge i long for.

he is my soulmate

the person i have been waiting to travel through this life with.

are two big dreams are to move to land and live off this land.

this is a broad concept and time will narrow it.

secondly, to travel as a family in a van

a few months at a time.

a blog i often read foxlane

is so inspiring in both of these aspects.

the family lives in Australia and is and has done both.

they have a book out about their time caravaning

called vantastic.

they also recently posted a small film about this.

they are worth checking out.

they seem to have carved out a beautiful life and have inspired us.

corriendo salvaje

i was a sprinter and high jumper during my school days in track and field.

i hated training...running behind the coaches car felt like torture.

it wasn't until my early twenties  that i got back into running.

i have always been an athlete and at the time i was an avid

climber, backpacker,swimmer and pretty obsessed with watching and reading about endurance races.

that is when running got a grip on me.

i decided i wanted to try my hand at a marathon, then a make my way

to triathlons. that was what i was most stoked about.

so i started running again. on my off days i was bouldering and climbing 2 plus hours a day.

i preferred the latter as long distance running was brutal for me.

as i do everything, i jumped into training fully and was feeling the burn.

then i crushed my ankle in a bouldering mishap.

just like that everything that was, was no longer.

it was a devastating injury. it occurred at the beginning of the summer.

suddenly this once super active gal was stuck on my ass.

the injury was severe and permanent. i was in a hard cast 

3 months and a walking cast another 3. followed by physical therapy.

unfortunately some natural fusion occurred and i lost almost all of my ankle mobility.

i endured intense chronic pain for 2 years. i couldn't walk a half a mile

without significant swelling and unbearable pain.

i sunk into a depression.

no more backpacking, no more running and i couldn't imagine climbing again.

i saw specialist after specialist and was always told the same news...

"there is nothing that can be done. this is permanent and will only continue to worsen.

you will suffer arthritis and the threat of your talus dying is high requiring a full ankle fusion."

being active was my identity, who was i if i wasn't "this" anymore.

 i had to go inward and discover more about myself.

i became very proactive with my diet, eating as healthy as i could.

i became proactive with my mind, devouring as much wisdom as i could contain

and redefining myself and discovering all of me.

in this time i realized how determined and strong i am

but i also realized how powerful our bodies are.

the self healing capabilities are vast and i couldn't take the word of doctors who

 didn't know my mind and body.

so i decided there would be no more "cannots" and more "yes i cans"

this is when i got into cycling and swimming even more. 

i also started working on building up the stabilizing muscles in my ankle

to support the parts of the ankle that no longer worked.

i swam laps and took spin classes avidly.

my body began to thrive as well as my spirit.

i iced my ankle after workouts, took supplements and ate

foods that had anti-inflammatory properties.

the chronic pain began to fade and i began to feel strong.

when my body is strong it directly affects how fearless i become.

when i started landscaping and gardening i started growing all sorts of new muscles

and forms of "toughness".

i even went bouldering again. 

this was mentally challenging for me and i haven't fully entered

climbing again, but i plan to.

this past year i went through a significant loss.

i felt anxiety constantly and had an ache i could not rid.

i didn't know how to cope. 

so i journaled, meditated and studied the Tao.

but my body needed a form of processing.

my body screamed to run.

something i thought i would never do again.

but i strapped on my running shoes, put ear phones in

and started to run.

i couldn't run far at first but i was surprised i could run at all.

no pain, no swelling...a funny gait maybe but i was running.

i cried while i ran, i sang, i smiled.

i ran through rain, through snow (which was magical)

i ran after 9 hour of labor at work.

i ran at night under street lights.

i ran until the ache went away and i could sleep through the night.

i did a 5K and set my sights on my first endurance race.

my body felt alive and looked great.

running saved me.

i didn't get to do that endurace race because i got really sick

and found out i was pregnant.

i haven't really been able to run in five months because of how 

sick i have been but i think about it every day.

i am a runner.

it is my blood.

i will run again.

i plant to try some pregnant running.

i still have my muscular legs and body from running and i think i my 

body will bounce back faster after baby.

never listen to the can'ts.

our bodies are powerful self healing machines

and so are our hearts.

momentum

some amazing things are beginning to stir.

visions, thoughts, dreams and words are manifesting.

this weekend vision boards are being made 

and daily meditations creating momentum occurring.

it feels so good to have energy again and not be sick all day long.

we have been hiking and walking more and more.

yesterday we chased the little one on her bike for two miles.

this mama was worn out and happy.

this upcoming week i am starting a new regimine.

2 mile hike or jog twice a week

and thrice a week spinning and weights.

being fit while pregnant makes it more comfortable,

supports an easier labor and getting back into shape afterward.

i am setting the goal of an endurace race that occurs five and half months

after baby- so i want to keep some endurance up.

we are going camping and backpacking in September too, so i need to 

regain some muscles.

inbetween all the exciting goals and daily goodness

i have been letting some stress and negativity seep in.

this is all a part of the process of pregnancy.

 the wonderful ina may gaskin talks about how during these 9 months

hurts and issues we have submerged over time began to surface.

its an opportunity to make peace before this life enters my life.

she goes on to say that if one doesn't deal with what emerges it can 

create a more painful and difficult labor.

i am being thoughtful about what surfaces.

i allow it to sit with me. allow myself to feel angry, hurt, betrayed

or whatever emotion accompanies it

and then i try to make peace with it.

i am realizing that in some cases i need to just eliminate my exposure

to certain people and things in order to forge ahead into a peaceful

positive life.

exciting dreams beginning to make their way into reality:

 - the dream to travel over a summer with my little ones in a souped up van

and sell art and wares.

Z does custom furniture building from fallen trees and other found natural materials.

his work is unbelievable. he apprenticed under this father who ran a sawmill.

he also does custom finishes to create rustic looks.

he has been offered the opportunity to work for someone who salvages wood from torn

down barns and old hotels and buildings from all over the world and uses them

for furniture and or remodels.

Z will be making custom tables and furniture with this wood.

we pinched ourselves realizing this aligns with our goal to travel with the girls 

to arts and craft festivals all over the US next summer.

him selling his custom work and me selling my paintings and art pieces.

i also will be pursuing my pottery more and hope to incorporate that as well.

- i am feeling re-inspired creatively. i took a hiatus, as i do every time i make a body of work

and let life simmer and marinate ideas. i am designing a new body of work that i am excited about.

- nali starts piano and spanish soon and is passionate about making music

and speaking a second language.

this is entirely of her own accord. she is such a special little girl who has

her own individual visions i am determined to support.

i believe this second language will come in handy as we plan 

to travel throughout mexico and south america in the near future.

at the young age of 6 she has already begun to create her own style of singing

that is, well, i am amazed and proud.

goals both big and small

- prenatal yoga 

- fitness goals mentioned above

- pottery class

- save for a van that we will convert to our summer home and to run on veggie oil

- new art series

- vision board this weekend

- support Z in his new business and creative endeavor

- begin chinese philosophy course
- begin establishing farm/homesteading gig to start in the spring

today

 

as deep as the ocean, high as the sky, more then all the sand on the beach

when happiness finds me

...when we break through the blockage of emotion thought, 

then we also begin to know who we are and what we are meant

to do in life.

What are we to do in life?

If we don't confuse ourselves too much with our false thinking,

we know.

When we turn away from our personal obsession with ourselves,

the answers become obvious.

But we don't do that easily,

because we're attached to our self-righteous thinking.

Occasionally, there are moments (sometimes hours, even days)

when, though we still have the same problems, it's OK.

...the flow is easy.

then if we're not careful the confusion begins to take over again.

And the clarity and power begin to fade.

...sometimes being willing to be muddled and confused is,

paradoxically the clarity itself.

Instead of trying to figure out the confusion and nervousness so we can arrive

somewhere else, we ask ourselves,

"what does confusion feel like?" 

and we settle back into the body and its sensations, 

keeping track of the thoughts that float around.

Before we know it we're back on track.

The worst thing we can do is try and be some other way.

...experience ourselves in how we are,

not the way we think we should be.

(Everyday Zen)

all happens as it should in the timing that it should.

i am always amazed that my thoughts are always able 

to find the pages retaining the words i need. 

just when i think i have everything figured out

confusion sets in and i spend my time trying to seek clarity

and straighten it all out.

i now realize i need to wade out into the muddy waters

observe and wait for the waters to clear.