da bump

some woman feel so wonderful while pregnant...

i am not one of those

at least not until i'm about half way through.

the first 4 plus months i am so sick and barely able to function.

thankfully i have the most amazing partner.

he rubs my feet and back

brings me any craving i might have,

surprises me with flowers and gifts

is constantly making me hot teas 

and has made me feel so loved and cared for.

in addition to that he makes me feel so beautiful.

 

 most days i feel like a blimp, but throughout the day he

tells me how beautiful i am and i actually feel sexy through his eyes.

i am learning to embrace these new curves and absorb this utter feminine time.

he jokes that he would like to keep me pregnant at all times because he loves my body so much.

i cannot tell you how much this means to me.

kind words and gestures go far.

last night he took me out on a fancy date.

pollywog was invited to a sleepover so we had the whole night.

 it was so fun to get dressed up and feel like a sexy mama.

Z insisted on a photo shoot :)

at five months now i finally have energy and enjoy eating.

we had such a wonderful time.

we ate delicious food and made out like teenagers.

after dinner he lit candles and danced with me to romantic latin music.

then we lay in bed sipping mint tea and watching House.

he makes me feel so special and so utterly loved.

i know this is transferring such love and peace to the little one growing...

which he finally got to feel kick last night.

we even picked out her name.

but that is a secret till her birth.

it was a special night and i am still blissed out.

thank you Z

too fast

it never gets easier, "the first day of school"

watching my little girl growing up is such a gift

but it goes by much too fast.

it seems like yesterday i was watching her take her first steps

and now she is officially a kid, not my baby anymore...

although she would beg to differ on that.

(first day of preschool)

i remember how nervous she was starting preschool.

but it didn't take long for her to find her way.

A and I would watch her through the window

waiting for her to spy us and run out to meet us.

she really grew into her own little person during preschool.

she emerged from her shell and it was wonderful to see her blossom.

(first day of kindergarten)

the year she started kindergarten was also a year much changed in our lives.

she endured some significant losses and school was a place she could go

and just be a kid. play, learn and feel nurtured.

i am so grateful for the amazing teacher she had.

in kindergarten it became very apparent that school would be a 

place enjoyed. she loves to learn and it was evident that she is very gifted.

she was the first and only child to read a book aloud to her classmates.

she learned some basic spanish and french and is continuing to study these languages.

i am so proud.

(first day of first grade- she wasn't too exicited)

this morning as we walked up the stairs to her classroom

she tightly clung to my hand, and i felt myself doing the same.

it is hard to let go 

it always is.

but i sang the song i have been singing to her since she was 4

"i hope you have a good day, a good day, a good day.

i hope you have a good day and a great afternoon"

to ease her jitters and my own.

i helped her unpack her supplies and introduced her to the little girl sitting next to her.

i asked her if she was ready for mommy to go and with tears in her eyes

she bravely nodded.

i kissed her forehead and told her i would be back to pick her up very shortly.

as i walked down the stairs and drove home tears rolled down my cheeks.

my little girl is growing up and my love for her seems to grow more and more each day.

how that is even possible i do not know.

my tears were of joy and of loss...but mainly joy.
then i felt my belly filled with kicks and punches and 

i was reminded that soon i will have these special

times all over again.

the greatest joy and love i have ever experienced has come by way of my children.

can't wait to pick her up and hear about her first day of first grade.

azul

turning dreams into reality requires manifestation

through words, thoughts, actions, and surrounding oneself

with energy that aligns with your hopes and intentions.

rather then daydreaming in bed all day

i try and connect on every level i can with that which i want.

flipping through magazines with pictures that attract me.

watching documentaries or films that inspire me and reflect my desires.

journaling my intentions 

meditating, vision boards and activities and hobbies related to my goals.

for several years now being self-sustainable, 

finding ways to travel (and explore the world) as a family and solo,

learning farming skills, and continuing to pursue outdoor adventures

have been the goals that i feel most connected to.

i have been cultivating these throughout my life

and when i get off track i always seem to make my way back to these aspirations.

 as we prepare for our new family member this winter,

gaining skills and prepping for a future life on land, ie;working towards

being fully self-sufficient, living close to the earth and its cycles 

                                               and adapting a more simplistic lifestyle

are my focused pursuits.

 today we found ourselves picking blueberries under a hot sun.

as we filled up our buckets, and our mouths, my mind grew still.

as a former gardener and landscaper i have always found planting, weeding and harvesting

such a meditative and connective task.

thoughts of blueberry jams, pies, cobblers and smoothies made me smile.

first up is blueberry jam.

we plan to go back next weekend to pick more for freezing.

along with this being cost efficient, this practice of seasonal harvesting

and storing and preserving for autumn and winter is an important

task in homesteading and one i plan to work at as best i can

without the actual land to glean from.

the recipe i used was from Real Simple

and it was that...simple and yummy.

keeps in the fridge a month and freezer for up to a year.

next i will try my hand at a blueberry pie...

and of course we will be gobbling cobblers, pancakes, and muffins.

some other endeavors coming up:

- the art of butter making

- yogurt making

- cheese making

- more veggie and fruit preserving

- and breads

 
 

sometimes you forget

thoughts that make me feel peace

heading back to the pacific northwest

where i feel most at home.

walking through the damp forest

smelling the earth

touching the trees

sitting still and breathing.

a simple cottage on a running stream.

large pained windows overlooking 

the garden, clothes on the line,

quiet meadows blanketed with morning fogs.

feathers and wildflowers in glass containers in nooks.

bread rising in the sun

soup boiling atop the woodstove.

shelves with pinecones, rocks, shells and treasures

collected by the little ones.

coffee on the front porch, my dog curled around my feet.

fluffy bed next to an open window

chickens clucking in the yard

barefoot gardening

fresh dinners from the harvesting

rainy walks down by the creek

rocking next to the fire nursing my baby 

records quietly playing

much to smile about

::life moves forward::

homesteading on my mind

there are plans to travel next summer

to find land we can tend, gardens we can grow, and that simplicity we are longing for.

i outgrew this midwest town moons ago

but for some reason it is where i have needed to be.

it is where i will nurture this growing life inside of me

where we will summer

where we will watch the leaves turn to glorious shades

and where we will winter and birth our little one.

this said, plans are in the beginning stages for our relocation 

to land we will steward out west.

so in this time of nesting we are honing our skills 

for a more sustainable life ahead.

Z is a proficient wood crafter and extremely handy. 

i look forward to seeing his creations.

i want to learn candlemaking, soap making, make butter, yogurt and cheese.

learn to knit, sew clothing, bake varieties of breads and goods,

continue educating myself on gardening, primitive pottery,

simple food preparation, canning and preserving,

fishing and fileting, the list goes on and on...

i am working on a new space to document these adventures

in the meantime

over the next two weeks: 

- blueberry picking 

- followed by: my first time making blueberry jam

- freezing blueberries to enjoy this fall and winter

- blueberry cobbler, pancakes, smoothies, and icecream

- butter making (hoping to find a source for raw milk)

- yogurt making

- lots of nature hikes (so glad to be moving past the morning/all day sickness)

- swimming

- crafting

- trying three new recipes

so much

life is very full right now.

in the winter my spirit grew quiet and i went inward.

the sea spoke to me and i let the tide take away pain

and return healing waters.

in spring i blossomed.

new buds of discovery emerged, 

and growth began to happen.

growth from seeds i was diligent to plant and nuture.

there were many tests.

there are always tests to reaffirm, remind and strengthen.

in the spring i also blossomed with a new love

and a new life that has begin to grow inside me.

 as summer washes over me there is a purging,

a chance to see inside myself and

apply all i have learned.

my belly is full of love, and a future i have always dreamed of.

i was given all that i have desired

was created for

have been working towards.

i am finally ready.

soon i will be creating a new place to reflect and share

one that represents this new place i am entering.

stay tuned