::thoughts::

i have been quiet

still

tired

surrendering to this time i am not able to do what i use to be able to

surrendering to this changing body full of aches and pains

growing belly full of kicks and punches

sleepy eyes full of dreams and hopes

letting my partner take care of me as he so wonderfully does

so thankful that he loves to take care of me.

this journey has been challenging.

as the baby grows more and more floats to the surface 

and i am at times sad, mad, or hurt.

these emotions are overwhelming at times

but when i acknowledge them, search for their root

and gently pull them out

i become lighter then i was 

letting go and forgiveness 

are the tonic for these wounds.

recently i made the decision to contact someone and share my heart.

my intention was not revenge, not to hurt, not even for them

it was for me to release some pain and take a stand for myself.

to feel strong once again.

their response didn't matter although i will say

it helped to see that i am in a much higher state 

and a much better place.

i don't say this with ego, i say this as someone who has journeyed 

a long ways to get to this place.

it was such a moment of healing for me.

to see how far i have come, to see how much love i have

and to see that the other parties have nothing i desire.

 i am writing this because it truly was a pivotal moment for me.

it allowed me to close this chapter in my life with joy

and most importantly peace.

i am able to offer this person whom i almost let destroy my life

::forgiveness::

and feel no animosity towards him or the people he has chosen in his life.

rather i feel relief

it is time to face forward and be present

something i struggle with and yearn for.

i find i am able to do this when i:

-journal

-pray

-create

-am in nature

-am connecting with my daughter

-am connecting with Z

Z has begun his new job and we are grateful.

this allows us more momentum to move forward with our dreams,

spend more time together as a family and prepare for our little papoose.

we have our eyes set towards the Pacific Northwest and have been planting seeds

out there that we hope will grow into opportunities.

there is a possibility of relocating to northern california

to work and live on a educational, sustainable resort.

if it is where we are suppose to go, i trust all will work out.

we plan to convert a van into a traveling mecca 

and travel with the girls out west 

(this is how i envision such things)

:)

the little one will start piano this week and dance the following week.

i think it will be nice to get out more and watch her blossom in all her passions.

we found a wonderful mid-wife and will be having a water birth.

we are dreaming up our playlist and want to be surrounded by candles

loved ones and beautiful energy.

Z is going to play his guitar through some of the labor process too.

i feel peace as we await just 3 1/2 short months.

we have been spending time outdoors playing and

as the weather continues its perfection, camping is on the horizon.

 (matching tats me and Z might get)

and weekly nature exploration with pollywog as autumn reveals 

itself in all her glory.
i am beginning to create again too.
someone asked for me to do a painting for them
and i am starting a handmade baby clothing line for etsy and local marts.

god is good
i am blessed
wounds heal and hearts can love again